On Being the First in Your Family: Unhealthy Habits to Break

Being the first in your family to be born is a headache in itself – believe me, I know. I am the oldest person in my familial lineage, all the way around. Let's talk about this.

Many "firsts" were too young to hang out with the youngest in the generation before them (the cool cousins) and too old to connect with the kids born after them.

Growing up, you were probably next in command when your parents were out. In between homework, you were given the "privilege" of feeding babies, changing diapers, receiving kids from the bus stop, and checking homework on top of completing your own at home. You may have learned how to grocery shop, cook dinner, and pay bills way before your time. You may have been pressured into a career path that doesn't fit your passion because it makes money and carries prestige.

With that being said, by now, you're probably a multi-millionaire with private jets, mansions, foreign cars, and fine jewelry that is envied by all. NO? – me either. Let's talk about why we didn't make it. Before you go running to your mama, abuela, or titi, remember that this is not the holy grail, just my [unpopular] opinion– unhealthy habits are the cause. Here is how you have to get it wrong:

Responsibility

You may be assuming responsibility for issues that are not your own and made to feel guilty when you say "no," so you say "yes." Most times, these people are made to feel obligated to take care of the family. It's not your fault. The culture in many Latinx homes is to take care of the family because that is what was passed down from generation to generation. It's 2021, and the ways of the old world are coming to an end. It is time to evolve and educate the current generation on how to be self-sufficient and not codependent on the one that "made it." Remember, if you do not have emotional currency or financial bandwidth to take on what someone is asking of you, it is ok to say "No." You can't help anyone if you can't help yourself.

You start to learn what you are willing to accept from people, and it gives you a starting point for setting healthy boundaries.

Overextension

You may overextend and take on the additional task at work or in school that maybe you cannot handle at this time, but you do it anyway because you want to help and make an impact, even if it means sacrificing your own time and well-being. It is how you prove your loyalty and show love – it's not healthy. Explore your love language and channel that energy. Rebrand your loyalty and love message.

Positive: By learning new techniques or scaling back on the amount of help, you can begin to show love and loyalty through support. This technique can help you to identify how much you can handle comfortably before anxiety sets in.

Accepting Toxicity

You may accept toxic behaviors just because they are family. This often carries over into all relationships and teaches people what we are willing to accept. What does this toxic behavior look like or sound like? Glad you asked. This type of toxicity can feel like a telenovela, dramatic with blunt comments that feel like blows when you share your most vulnerable situations.

For instance, you share that you got laid off because of COVID, and the response sounds more like, "Well, if you would have done what I told you and worked extra hours, shut your mouth, and been more like so and so, you would still have a job." After a comment like this, you may be feeling worse than you did when you got laid off and probably thinking – they are correct, I should have just shut my mouth and not told my family pretending everything is normal and cover up the fact that I need you at this moment.

I am here to tell you that is not the answer. Learn who to be vulnerable with, and if you feel like educating the uneducated on how things go in 2021, fine, but don't take their comments to heart. These people tend to speak of how they handled the workforce back in the day - look how that has worked out!

This experience can help identify micro-invalidations. It is preparing you to find a comfortable approach (for you) to inform individuals when their comments are unacceptable unapologetically.

Poor Relationships with Money

You may be living paycheck to paycheck. Being the first means that you were groomed longer and may be programmed to think that you will be honored with the privilege to take care of the family when you become of working age.

This means little money for the person who is doing the work. After paying all the bills in the house for people of working age, you barely have enough to perform self-care, save, invest, or further your academics or professional development – leaving you stagnant. You may feel like you owe it to your family for all the sacrifices and the pregnancy that birthed you. Guess what, that's unhealthy – you didn't knock on their door looking for birth. Let's get into a routine where you pay yourself (bills, self-care, investments, savings, money to make it to the next week, etc.), and then if you have residual that you'd like to give to help – then that's on you.

Other things that may be contributing to paycheck-to-paycheck living are the lack of financial literacy, overspending, and not understanding taxes. You may have minimal access to wealth-building tools or habits. Honestly, how can you understand wealth building if the lineage before you can't teach you and you rely on a broken education system designed for you? But that's another conversation.

Not Celebrating Your Wins

You allow the family to occupy your space and time in the name of blood. This is the one. Due to being the first, you are most likely the person that everyone goes to. The more successful you are, the more they will ask and expect. As a result, you may not honestly share or celebrate how well you are doing, and this could be causing an unhealthy reaction to your personal and professional accomplishments and celebrations. If this is you, save yourself! Remember the previous bullets where I said your money isn't their money and to create healthy boundaries? Do that NOW!!! You work hard to make sure that you and your immediate family (kids, spouse/partner) are taken care of.

By celebrating yourself, you begin to start creating a healthy relationship with your accomplishments. Like – that is a big deal.

The Feeling of Not Belonging

You may experience limited beliefs and imposter syndrome. Now, this is not your fault; you may come from a lineage of successful professionals with healthy financials and a great upbringing filled with morals and divine culture. This could be too much for you; the shoes may just be too big.

You may often find yourself in a bigger job than what you believe you deserve, but you can't tell your family because you don't want to disappoint. Honestly, what you want is to be free to embrace the western (American) culture of living your best life and coasting on vibes while brunching with your girls sippin' on bottomless mimosas while yelling "Yass B*tch" and "Ayeeee" while going LIVE on your favorite social platforms – that is ok.

Here's the thing, you have to get comfortable with uncovering why you feel unworthy of your achievements. It can be a tad overwhelming, but it is a normal feeling that many professionals experience.

Jot down why you feel like you do not belong and find a career coach, therapist, or mentor that can help you strategize. Don't let this feeling consume you – capitalize from it and build your confidence. I promise you will begin to walk in your purpose and understand your actual value.

You will learn more about yourself and ways to control those crazy thoughts when you feel like you do not belong. Secondly, you will be able to direct conversations around your strengths until you get comfortable with your weaknesses or being uncomfortable.

This may have been a lot to digest, but it is something that we need to talk about more. Being the first in your generation to go to college, experience 6 figure incomes, make it out of your neighborhood, or anything you have experienced first can be riddled with negative feelings, but YOU control that.

You are not who others want you to be; you are who you want to be. I can confidently say that I am a first-generation professional that lives by my own rules and stops micro invalidations. I stand in my truth and set healthy boundaries – if they are crossed, I have no problem reminding anyone where the line is.

Now walk confidently in your purpose!!